I got another question from
Aardvark tonight that deserved a longer answer. Here's the question, followed by my (and Crystal's) answer:
What does a person do if theyve had enough of there family & they feel for the younger children? Im a mother of 10 children.3 to my first relationship which turned out in seperation,1 to a relationship that ended up with the father committing suicide,3rd relationship 6 children involved ages 15,14,12,11,9 & 7, with the father not even trying to help me with the financial upbringing of the children or even supporting mine & there self esteem. Very draining 15yrs of trying to support my family,mentally,financially,emotionally,spiritually & physically,im so drained what does one do.
(name removed for privacy reasons)
Hi, my name is Roger. I'm a husband from Colorado. As a man I didn't feel adequately qualified to answer your question myself so I enlisted my wife's help in writing this answer. Her name is Crystal and she is presently pregnant with our seventh child - so she can probably relate to some extent with your situation. The rest of this answer is thoughts from the both of us:
When my husband read me (Crystal) your question, I immediately felt I could sympathize with you, because I too at the end of the day have those feelings and thoughts rush over me. Can I carry this load? Can I love my husband? Can I love my children? Can I teach them right from wrong? Can I support my husband and encourage him? Add on top of all that taking care of a house and all its chores, taking care of the kids, and occasionally yourself! I get it - as a mom we have to do everything - laundry, food prep, house chores, managing finances, helping kids, doing schoolwork. And at the end of the day, it doesn't feel like we have much to show for it except to get up and do it again the next day. It's a very demanding job with little thanks or appreciation.
Let me tell you about my (Roger) great grandma - because her situation sounds similar to yours. She recently passed away three months short of age 100. She married young to a husband who didn't treat her right. He was a alcoholic who would frequently bring other women back to their home to sleep with, and would only remain loyal to my great-grandmother long enough to get her pregnant again. Then he'd hit the road on a drunken womanizing binge and wouldn't be heard from for a while. Soon, she had a houseful of seven children (two of which died before reaching adulthood) which she had to care for (including financially) entirely alone. If anyone had the right to throw in the towel and give up it would have been her. I'm quite thankful that she didn't - because I wouldn't be here today (or at least wouldn't be the person I am today) if she had. You see - she realized that her actions had a profound impact on her children, and she selflessly chose to place their well-being ahead of her own. My great-grampa never did straighten up - so for about 50 years she put up with his antics until finally in his last days - when he was dying of disease related to alcoholism & tobacco use - he showed up on her doorstep. She graciously took him in and cared for him until he died.
Those fifty years must have been incredibly hard on her. As teenagers and young adults her children rebelled. Yet she continued to love them ahead of herself and pray for them constantly. The impact of her faithfulness now stretches to the fourth generation. Thanks to her dedication - her children didn't have to repeat the mistakes of their father. They all came back to live healthy, happy lives - and pass that on to their children and grandchildren as well. When she died this January she left behind a legacy of four generations of offspring - most of which are responsible, healthy individuals.
You see, the decisions we make today matter - and our willingness to endure suffering and place the well-being of those we care about ahead of our own plays a big role in what will happen in the future. I'm sure your children are precious to you - and someday when they face one of life's tough situations like your own, they will remember your willingness (or unwillingness) to persevere - and it will shape how they make their own decisions.
The problem is - you can't do it through willpower alone. We both fail too often as parents and husband/wife - yelling at the kids, not treating each other respectfully, dumping our problems off on each other. We try really hard - but trying just isn't enough. It's too easy to feel like giving up. There's really only one way to stick it out - and that's by relying on someone a lot stronger than yourself. It took more than my grandma just being a tough woman to survive through fifty years of raising a family alone. She was able to do what she did because she relied upon God's strength. Philipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." and there's more truth there then you might think. If you're willing to give up your right to "give-up", and turn over to Him your rights to not be taken advantage of - He can take that and give you the love and strength you need to faithfully serve your kids - and even your husband - so that someday your children and their children will attest through the way they live their lives to the legacy that you left behind.
I got another question from
Aardvark tonight that deserved a longer answer. Here's the question, followed by my (and Crystal's) answer:
What does a person do if theyve had enough of there family & they feel for the younger children? Im a mother of 10 children.3 to my first relationship which turned out in seperation,1 to a relationship that ended up with the father committing suicide,3rd relationship 6 children involved ages 15,14,12,11,9 & 7, with the father not even trying to help me with the financial upbringing of the children or even supporting mine & there self esteem. Very draining 15yrs of trying to support my family,mentally,financially,emotionally,spiritually & physically,im so drained what does one do.
(name removed for privacy reasons)
Hi, my name is Roger. I'm a husband from Colorado. As a man I didn't feel adequately qualified to answer your question myself so I enlisted my wife's help in writing this answer. Her name is Crystal and she is presently pregnant with our seventh child - so she can probably relate to some extent with your situation. The rest of this answer is thoughts from the both of us:
When my husband read me (Crystal) your question, I immediately felt I could sympathize with you, because I too at the end of the day have those feelings and thoughts rush over me. Can I carry this load? Can I love my husband? Can I love my children? Can I teach them right from wrong? Can I support my husband and encourage him? Add on top of all that taking care of a house and all its chores, taking care of the kids, and occasionally yourself! I get it - as a mom we have to do everything - laundry, food prep, house chores, managing finances, helping kids, doing schoolwork. And at the end of the day, it doesn't feel like we have much to show for it except to get up and do it again the next day. It's a very demanding job with little thanks or appreciation.
Let me tell you about my (Roger) great grandma - because her situation sounds similar to yours. She recently passed away three months short of age 100. She married young to a husband who didn't treat her right. He was a alcoholic who would frequently bring other women back to their home to sleep with, and would only remain loyal to my great-grandmother long enough to get her pregnant again. Then he'd hit the road on a drunken womanizing binge and wouldn't be heard from for a while. Soon, she had a houseful of seven children (two of which died before reaching adulthood) which she had to care for (including financially) entirely alone. If anyone had the right to throw in the towel and give up it would have been her. I'm quite thankful that she didn't - because I wouldn't be here today (or at least wouldn't be the person I am today) if she had. You see - she realized that her actions had a profound impact on her children, and she selflessly chose to place their well-being ahead of her own. My great-grampa never did straighten up - so for about 50 years she put up with his antics until finally in his last days - when he was dying of disease related to alcoholism & tobacco use - he showed up on her doorstep. She graciously took him in and cared for him until he died.
Those fifty years must have been incredibly hard on her. As teenagers and young adults her children rebelled. Yet she continued to love them ahead of herself and pray for them constantly. The impact of her faithfulness now stretches to the fourth generation. Thanks to her dedication - her children didn't have to repeat the mistakes of their father. They all came back to live healthy, happy lives - and pass that on to their children and grandchildren as well. When she died this January she left behind a legacy of four generations of offspring - most of which are responsible, healthy individuals.
You see, the decisions we make today matter - and our willingness to endure suffering and place the well-being of those we care about ahead of our own plays a big role in what will happen in the future. I'm sure your children are precious to you - and someday when they face one of life's tough situations like your own, they will remember your willingness (or unwillingness) to persevere - and it will shape how they make their own decisions.
The problem is - you can't do it through willpower alone. We both fail too often as parents and husband/wife - yelling at the kids, not treating each other respectfully, dumping our problems off on each other. We try really hard - but trying just isn't enough. It's too easy to feel like giving up. There's really only one way to stick it out - and that's by relying on someone a lot stronger than yourself. It took more than my grandma just being a tough woman to survive through fifty years of raising a family alone. She was able to do what she did because she relied upon God's strength. Philipians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." and there's more truth there then you might think. If you're willing to give up your right to "give-up", and turn over to Him your rights to not be taken advantage of - He can take that and give you the love and strength you need to faithfully serve your kids - and even your husband - so that someday your children and their children will attest through the way they live their lives to the legacy that you left behind.
Giving up?
A Love That Multiplies: An Up-Close View of How They Make it Work by Michelle Duggar
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